Thursday, March 11, 2010

Our Story

We have been trying to have a baby for over 4 years. When we were dating, we talked about when we’d want to have babies. I was ready to have a baby the day we were married, but knowing my husband wasn’t ready we decided to use birth control. We did for about a year and while I knew that my hubby wasn’t quite ready I figured it would come and he’d fall in love with our little bundle of joy. Each month I would pray and hope and think I was pregnant, but with out fail it didn’t happen.
We had been trying for a couple years and I went to our family doctor for a cold or something minor. While I was there I told him about our difficulties trying to conceive. The doctor wanted my husband to get tested first because it’s easier to test a man. We found our problem on the first test. We were then referred to an Urologist who examined my poor husband and there was no visible damage, they just said that it was in his DNA. We were told Invitro Fertilization, a sperm donor or adoption were our only options.
I remained calm while in the doctor’s office and right when we left the office I started sobbing. It didn’t stop the whole way home. We had each drove separately (since we were both coming from work). But when we both got home we just held each other on our couch and cried. It was a VERY upsetting night for both of us.
We took a couple months off before making an appointment to see the fertility doctor. When we did meet with our doctor, he wanted me to go through testing and for my husband to be tested again. We had to wait 3 months before the sperm could be tested again because of the life span of sperm. During those three months I got all my testing done…various blood tests done at different times of my cycle, testing my fallopian tubes, all of which came back normal.
The sperm was tested again and it had the same results. The doctor told us we could try out Artificial Insemination. We were very grateful for this option because it was $750 compared to $15,000 for Invitro.
During our first round of Artificial Insemination I started taking my Clomid and had NO side effects. I had heard horror stories and was very grateful that it was so smooth. The day of my ovulation, I started spotting. I hadn’t ever spotted while ovulating before and I was alarmed. I called the doctor’s office and told them I was spotting and the nurse told me it could be a side effect of the Clomid. We went ahead with the Artificial Insemination. Then we waited the DREADED 2 weeks for my period or if we were lucky a pregnancy test. We were in Pinetop, AZ with my extended family for vacation when I got my period. I was crushed!  Another night we held each other and cried.
We waited a month and started our next round of AI. I started taking the Clomid and got a terrible hot flash that lasted a few minutes. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Then, I got really mad at Howard over something STUPID. I don’t even remember what the fight was about, but halfway through my yelling fit I realized I was being unreasonable and started laughing.  I was feeling some side effects of the clomid.
I felt great about it, this was our month…
Everything was going so well, no spotting and it just seemed so smooth!! Now the dreaded 2 weeks. We were in Laughlin, NV for a company trip for my husband's work...I started my period.
We decided not to try Artificial the third time. It is very stressful (what part of infertility isn’t stressful??!!) We had been paying for everything with cash because my insurance didn’t cover anything to do with infertility. I called up the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment to meet with the doctor. We talked all about IVF and then met with the IVF coordinator. It was TOTAL OVERLOAD of information, but we both felt great about it.
One day at work I was looking at some blogs of women who have done IVF 4 or 5 times. I felt ill…with how much money we are paying, I kept thinking… THIS HAS TO WORK! On the way home from work, I started sobbing, I was stressing about the monetary value of it all and it was really getting to me. I called my husband. He told me that we’d be in the same situation we are in now, except we wouldn’t have money. Oh it was so nice to hear that.  Through our trials of infertility we have become so close and have such a deeper love for each other. When I got home and we knelt down and prayed asking for feeling of peace if what we were doing is right. Immediately I felt peace. I am so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father. I have such a huge testimony about the power of personal prayer.

We went to the doctor yesterday to get blood work, measurements of my uterus and a class on how to give the shots. We got our blood work done, no big deal. Then they took me in for my ultrasound, I thought no big deal. He first did a swab, not bad, and then wanted to do measurements of my uterus, not bad…then he checked my ovaries, found the first one, not bad…then OH MY GOODNESS as he looked for or at the other one, it hurt SO bad!! I don’t know why it hurt, maybe because he was trying to find it, but there was definitely pain! The doctor said everything looks good though. My uterus is in a good place and the transfer should be easy. (yeah!!)
After about a week of doing my injections I only had 7-8. They were expecting more like that was discouraging. I went back 2 days later and I hadn't grown anymore, so to keep on taking the meds and trying to get more wasn't an option. At that time, the doctor said we can quit and try again in another cycle, but we could have the same issue of me not producing a lot of follicles.  It was very upsetting, and a very tough decision, we'd already used $1000 of meds and we'd have to buy those again, and we may just get the same results. Not that this is all about money, but it's definatly a factor!  The doctor recommended that we go ahead with things. We felt good about and continued on.

I continued going to the doctor until they said I was ready and then did my trigger shot. On Friday, September 25th, we had our egg retrieval. I was pretty nervous about it, but everyone is so nice and I was put under pretty quickly, so I didn't have a chance to be too nervous. Things didn’t go as smoothly as we would have wanted...they only got 3 eggs. Needless to say we were VERY disappointed and I was VERY emotional. I tried to keep my cool at the doctor's office, but that didn't work out very well. They called me later that afternoon and told me they only had three good eggs and had fertilized them. Then on Saturday I got another call telling me that 2 fertilized normally, but the 3rd didn't. I seriously haven't prayed so much in one weekend. I just prayed my heart out for those two little embryos. It was quite the stressful weekend.
Then we got a call Sunday morning from the doctor and we STILL had 2 embryos!  We were pretty excited and relieved! They are both graded B one has divided 4 times and the other 3.
Monday (9/28/09) we went in to have the embryos implanted. When we got there we were shown a picture of our embryos and they were now graded a B and a C, one hadn't developed as much as they wanted, but we still have an average (C) and a slightly above average (B) embryo.

After we went in for the implantation, I had to be on bed rest for 3 days. Which sounds like a lot more fun that it was. Weirdly enough my back was hurting from laying down so much! haha
If I thought that the 2 weeks were terrible with doing Aritficial doesn't even compare to the stress of the waiting for the news of IVF.  Its so hard to wait to find out if your dreams are coming true. 
I guess long story short...I didn't get a baby out of the whole ordeal. I had a miscarriage. I got a call on telling me that my test came back positive, but that my HCG levels were very low. Which could mean a miscarriage or it could just mean my levels are low. I was devastated. I knew then that I wasn't really pregnant and left work and cried all night. It was such a dark and terrible night. 
My husband came home from work about 8:30 that night from work and was just so positive. He just knew I was still pregnant, which helped because I was down in the dumps.
Two days later I went back for another blood test to see if my levels double. My husband and I spent the day together trying hard not to think about our fate.  We watched movies and fixed lunch and about 1:30pm, I got the call...the results were negative.
The biggest thing I keep asking is why? Why did this not work? We had so many people on our side praying for us that this would work. Why did we have such a peaceful feeling to go forward with IVF when I wasn't producing eggs and things didn't seem to be working out. Why? Why? Why??
I don't know how or when or if we'll get a baby, but life goes on and we just have to keep living and keeping the hope alive.


  1. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry it's been such a long road. I hope and pray that your life will be blessed with many bundles of joy!

    (I signed up to follow your your journey).

  2. Good for you keeping the hope alive. It'll pay off one day - one way or the other. xxx

  3. I'm glad that you have your faith and your DH to help you stay strong! I found you through stir-up queens for ICLW and now I'm following your journey. *hugs*


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