Friday, April 30, 2010


I just want to say Thank You to all my blogger friends.  I have been a bit down the past couple days.  There isn't anything going on to make me feel this way, just kind of in a funk.  Reading your comments have really lifted my spirits.  Its so nice to know there is a caring community of women who know how I am feeling and are compassionate to me! 

Thursday, April 29, 2010

My Other Blog

After much thought, I decided to put my "what if" post on my other blog.  My other blog is for my family and friends.  Its just a little blog to show pictures of things that we're up to. 

I put my "what if" post on there and only got two comments.  Both of those comments are from women who have gone through some sort of infertility issue.  It just makes me think that people get so awkward around infertility.  Its a subject that makes people uncomfortable.  It might be because I'm more of an open person, but I don't get it.  Going through the things I have has really made me realize that just acknowledging someone and what they are going through is so much better than ignoring.  It makes me realize how important National Infertility Awareness Week is!

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't put that post up because I wanted sympathy, its just that I know people have read it and said nothing. 

Have any of you noticed the same sort of issue?

Monday, April 26, 2010

My Best Friend...

I got married 4 years before my best friend.  I know it was hard for her losing me to my husband because she wanted the same thing.  We continued our strong friendship and I always made sure she never felt like the third wheel and was still very involved in my life. 
She got married a year and a half ago...and got pregnant at what seemed like the exact time she wanted to.  She was so good to me during her pregnancy, having me be involved without being overbearing.  I love her for that.  I know its a thin line, but she handled it all so well. 
She had her baby last Thursday.  When I found out I sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn't tell if I was sobbing because of I was so immensely jealous or if I was truly happy for her.  I think it was a bit of both. 
I went to see them on Saturday and just kept praying I could keep my cool while there.  I did not want to cry while holding her baby.  I didn't want to take away from their happiness.  I met the little guy and he was so adorable and so precious and I just fell completely in love with him. 
I'm not going to lie, on my drive home, I was jealous and thinking when is it my turn, but I am working on just being happy for my friend and her new little family and grateful to be apart of his life.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Project IF (part 2): What if I can’t ever become a mother?

The thought of not becoming a mother is my worst fear. I am living my life in fear. I can’t move on because that fear is apart of everything I do.

This fear began when we first found out that we were a couple who would struggle with infertility. The fear grew with each test, each doctor's visit, each procedure we tried and the fear just about got the best of me when our IVF was unsuccessful.

I am reminded of this fear at work, at the grocery store, at church and even at family functions. It’s changed how I see the world. I am no longer the happy go lucky girl that I used to be. I try to be, but this has forever changed me.

I fear I won't keep strong relationships with my friends because we don't have kids in common. I fear that relationships will change with family members because we can't bring them the joy of adding children to our family. I fear that just being me won't be enough in some relationships. I fear I'll be left out of so much joy and happiness because I won't be able to have a child of my own.

But what if I use this fear to help me be courageous in this fight against infertility?
What if I use this fear to rise above and find joy in other aspects of my life?
What if I use this fear to help others, because I know the pain they are feeling?
What if I use this fear to become an advocate for infertility awareness?
What if I can change this fear into hope?

For more information about infertility, please visit To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), go to And to see how "Project IF" started, check out

Thursday, April 22, 2010


DH and I are at a crossroads.  We're not exactly sure which way to go, so we're going to do research on all avenues and go from there.  Our choices:

Another round of IVF

The last one has really been on my mind lately.  The other night I was talking to a friend who has 3 beautiful children and is going to fost/adopt 2 children of her husband's drug addict cousin.  Right now they are going through the steps to become foster parents to these little kids.  I was so inspired talking to her. 

One thing I keep asking is...why?  Why are we going through this?  I think because of our failed IVF we're more open to look at other options.  Maybe we needed to go through that to help us look down different avenues. 

Like I said we're at a idea how all of this will play out, but we'll keep doing our research.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

All Day Long...

I work in a small office. My coworker is pregnant and my other coworker is newly married and I’m pretty sure wants to be pregnant. Their desks are by each other. So, ALL they talk about is pregnancy. I get to overhear the daily health update, how much she's eating, how hot she is, how badly she's sleeping, how different this pregnancy is from her last. (all day long) It’s so hard to hear!!

Some days I can void it out, but other days like today when she's telling her birth story for the millionth time, I just can't take it.

I have my Pandora radio on...with headphones in! I just hope I don't get any phone calls so I can stay in my little bubble.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Welcome ICLWers!

For those new to ICLW, it stands for International Comment Leaving Week. It's a week dedicated to honoring and encouraging commenting on fellow bloggers' blogs. It's a great time to find new blogs and make new friends. If you are not already part of ICLW, make sure to contact Mel to be included in future ICLWs.

For those visiting here for the first time, welcome!

This blog was created as an outlet for me to express my fears, heartbreak and joy. We’ve been through 2 failed IUIs and one unsuccessful IVF. You can read more about our story here. We are kind of limbo right now deciding what our next step is.

So stick around and see how it all plays out. I'd love to hear from you and read about your story too. Have a great week commenting!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Weekend Recap

This weekend we went to visit my grandparents. We had such a wonderful visit. {And I know I may be biased, but I have the best grandparents, ever!} It had gone a full day without talking about my brother's upcoming baby and truthfully I thought it might go the whole weekend. BUT it came up...and not only did it come up...I had to leave the table crying. (oh my!) But I'm so glad it did because I was able to talk and cry it out with my grandparents. I was able to tell them my fears and how upset I am and they listened but even better, they gave me such great advice. I know I have them on my team even when I’m feeling alone (with DH) in this mess.

Also this weekend, DH and I decided we are ready to make an appointment with the adoption agency. I'm ready to start doing something. He's been ready for months; I've been the one holding back. I think starting the adoption process will be good. I am so ready for a baby, but fearful of the heartbreak.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Mother's Day

I told my mom yesterday that I couldn't spend Mother's Day with her.  I was nervous to have to tell her, but she took it pretty well and was very understanding.  There is just no possible way I could be there to celelbrate her and my pregnant sister in law.  It would be way too painful! 
Mother's Day has always been tough in the past, but being able to celebrate my mom has taken my mind off of it.  Its made the day not about my lack of being a mother, but celebrating what a wonderful mother I have.  But with my pregnant sister in law living there and me already being bitter about her being pregnant, its just way too much! 
I don't know what we'll do on Mother's Day, but I'm thinking it sounds good to stay at home and eat ice cream.  {and maybe pizza}

*edit* I guess just as an mom and I will be doing a mother/daughter day.  Just not on Mother's Day. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

When Things Go Wrong...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar...
So, stick to the fight when your hardest hit
Its when things go wrong that you mustn't quit!

Oh, how I love this poem!!  I don't think the author was talking about infertility, but I'm relating it to it!  Sometimes I do feel as things are all uphill.  But I have to stay positive and not quit.  Its easier said than done and there are some days that are easier to remain positive, but that's my goal!

Hope you all are having a wonderful Wednesday! :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Holidays are hard for me.  Especially holidays that are kid friendly.  We had a wonderful Easter, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but feel the longing to color Easter eggs, have Easter egg hunts, have the Easter bunny visit our house and teach my children the beautiful story of the Resurection.  Celebrating with my husband is fun and I'm so grateful we have eachother (and our families) but its not quite the same as doing it with a child, my child. 
I hope all of these holidays of wanting to do all of these things will only make it that much more enjoyable our time comes.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Emotionally Ready

We're on a break of the baby making business.  We have been since our unsuccessful IVF cycle.  We're not meeting with our doctor.  We're not taking any medicine.  

I'm not ready to start the process again.  We're taking time off.  As much as I'm ready to be pregnant and have a baby, I'm not emotionally ready to start the process again.  Any advice on how to get emotionally ready?  Does it just come or will we need to just bite the bullet and try again?