Friday, April 23, 2010

Project IF (part 2): What if I can’t ever become a mother?

The thought of not becoming a mother is my worst fear. I am living my life in fear. I can’t move on because that fear is apart of everything I do.

This fear began when we first found out that we were a couple who would struggle with infertility. The fear grew with each test, each doctor's visit, each procedure we tried and the fear just about got the best of me when our IVF was unsuccessful.

I am reminded of this fear at work, at the grocery store, at church and even at family functions. It’s changed how I see the world. I am no longer the happy go lucky girl that I used to be. I try to be, but this has forever changed me.

I fear I won't keep strong relationships with my friends because we don't have kids in common. I fear that relationships will change with family members because we can't bring them the joy of adding children to our family. I fear that just being me won't be enough in some relationships. I fear I'll be left out of so much joy and happiness because I won't be able to have a child of my own.

But what if I use this fear to help me be courageous in this fight against infertility?
What if I use this fear to rise above and find joy in other aspects of my life?
What if I use this fear to help others, because I know the pain they are feeling?
What if I use this fear to become an advocate for infertility awareness?
What if I can change this fear into hope?

For more information about infertility, please visit To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), go to And to see how "Project IF" started, check out


  1. I feel like I can relate to so many of the fears you described. IF has definitely molded me and affected who I am today.

  2. Thank you for sharing. I don't think I will ever be the person I was before IF, but I am starting to only realize now, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

  3. I totally feel like I'm becoming the bitter infertile girl, so your postive twists on the "what if" was very encouraging.

  4. I love this! I need to get in on the "what if" project as well. Thanks for visiting my blog!

  5. Using your fear to become an advocate is HUGE. I think so many of us have this same fear. I know I can't even think about it because it takes over - it consumes me when I allow it to.

    Beautiful post!

  6. Also I worry I have. That's the hardest part for me. The doctors have told us so many times that "There's no reason this shouldn't work" and it hasn't... so the uncertainty is what makes me the most anxious.

  7. I agree wiith the other using your fear to become an advocate is HUGE! It is something I have always wanted to do, but the the fear itself grips me from within keeping me from going about and spreading public knowledge about IF. I can't even talk to my family about it with out becoming an emotional basket case let alone the public at large... maybe the scars are to deep (I haven't put my finger on it). I wish you the best of luck and I hope that one soon you'll get your blessing/s.

    ICLW #74

  8. I'm so sorry to read about the struggle you have been through.

    I think everyone who has experienced infertility can relate to the fears you described. But as you say at the end, you can turn that fear into something positive, and help others.

    All the best,
    happy ICLW

  9. I am sorry your TTC journey has been so tough and hurtful. The "If's " have been on my mind a lot lately as well. It scares me to think about them, but I think it's also a brave thing to do. Crossroads are never easy when the decision is so huge and life-altering. To deal with all these questions and process the emotions coming with them is quite overwhelming, and you may need some time for that. I wish, I wish it would be easier for you. Will be thinking about you.
    Your new follower from ICLW

  10. Here from ICLW. I am so sorry your IVF failed. I know this journey can be incredibly tough. I love this post because I can tell you're tapping into your inner strength as you move forwards. Wishing you all the luck in the world.
    Take care!
    PS. New follower too!

  11. your final "what-ifs" are just beautiful! your fears are so familiar, and even now some form of these fears follow me.

  12. I hope that you are able to do just as you said...use your fear for something good and to help you in your fight with IF.


  13. Stopped by from Project IF...and following.

    Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.

  14. Here from Project IF. Love your post....We all need to find a way to turn the fears into something positive, a way to live WITH this disease instead of resenting what it does to us. Thank you for sharing.


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