Vacation?

So...I my thoughts have been of planning a vacation.  A real vacation.  A vacation where DH and I go alone and we have some fun. 

..but I'm feeling a bit guilty for it.

For years all we've done is save our money.  We used our savings and got a failed IVF.  Now without much savings, we should be responsible, especially in this economy, and continue to save.  But I can't stop thinking of a vacation.  I'm ready to do something fun! 

Am I alone in this...do any of you feel guilty for doing something for 'you' instead of everything you can to have a baby?

Mother's Day

I hate that there is a day to honor something I'm not and want to be so badly!  I had a headache all day because I was fighting back the tears all day.  I had a few melt downs and got really sad.  I just kept thinking that I should be enjoying this day.  I should be a month a way from my due date.  I should be anticipating my baby's arrival.  Instead I'm dreading this holiday AGAIN.  It was tough.   

I can't end this post on a negative note.  I had my loving husband next to me holding me while I cried and I know he'll continually be there for me.  We're in this together and that is comforting.


How did you survive Mother's Day?

THANK YOU!!

I just want to say Thank You to all my blogger friends.  I have been a bit down the past couple days.  There isn't anything going on to make me feel this way, just kind of in a funk.  Reading your comments have really lifted my spirits.  Its so nice to know there is a caring community of women who know how I am feeling and are compassionate to me! 

My Other Blog

After much thought, I decided to put my "what if" post on my other blog.  My other blog is for my family and friends.  Its just a little blog to show pictures of things that we're up to. 

I put my "what if" post on there and only got two comments.  Both of those comments are from women who have gone through some sort of infertility issue.  It just makes me think that people get so awkward around infertility.  Its a subject that makes people uncomfortable.  It might be because I'm more of an open person, but I don't get it.  Going through the things I have has really made me realize that just acknowledging someone and what they are going through is so much better than ignoring.  It makes me realize how important National Infertility Awareness Week is!

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't put that post up because I wanted sympathy, its just that I know people have read it and said nothing. 

Have any of you noticed the same sort of issue?

My Best Friend...

I got married 4 years before my best friend.  I know it was hard for her losing me to my husband because she wanted the same thing.  We continued our strong friendship and I always made sure she never felt like the third wheel and was still very involved in my life. 
She got married a year and a half ago...and got pregnant at what seemed like the exact time she wanted to.  She was so good to me during her pregnancy, having me be involved without being overbearing.  I love her for that.  I know its a thin line, but she handled it all so well. 
She had her baby last Thursday.  When I found out I sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn't tell if I was sobbing because of I was so immensely jealous or if I was truly happy for her.  I think it was a bit of both. 
I went to see them on Saturday and just kept praying I could keep my cool while there.  I did not want to cry while holding her baby.  I didn't want to take away from their happiness.  I met the little guy and he was so adorable and so precious and I just fell completely in love with him. 
I'm not going to lie, on my drive home, I was jealous and thinking when is it my turn, but I am working on just being happy for my friend and her new little family and grateful to be apart of his life.

Project IF (part 2): What if I can’t ever become a mother?

The thought of not becoming a mother is my worst fear. I am living my life in fear. I can’t move on because that fear is apart of everything I do.

This fear began when we first found out that we were a couple who would struggle with infertility. The fear grew with each test, each doctor's visit, each procedure we tried and the fear just about got the best of me when our IVF was unsuccessful.

I am reminded of this fear at work, at the grocery store, at church and even at family functions. It’s changed how I see the world. I am no longer the happy go lucky girl that I used to be. I try to be, but this has forever changed me.

I fear I won't keep strong relationships with my friends because we don't have kids in common. I fear that relationships will change with family members because we can't bring them the joy of adding children to our family. I fear that just being me won't be enough in some relationships. I fear I'll be left out of so much joy and happiness because I won't be able to have a child of my own.

But what if I use this fear to help me be courageous in this fight against infertility?
What if I use this fear to rise above and find joy in other aspects of my life?
What if I use this fear to help others, because I know the pain they are feeling?
What if I use this fear to become an advocate for infertility awareness?
What if I can change this fear into hope?

For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), go to www.resolve.org/takecharge. And to see how "Project IF" started, check out www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if.

Crossroads

DH and I are at a crossroads.  We're not exactly sure which way to go, so we're going to do research on all avenues and go from there.  Our choices:

Another round of IVF
Adoption
Fost/Adopt

The last one has really been on my mind lately.  The other night I was talking to a friend who has 3 beautiful children and is going to fost/adopt 2 children of her husband's drug addict cousin.  Right now they are going through the steps to become foster parents to these little kids.  I was so inspired talking to her. 

One thing I keep asking is...why?  Why are we going through this?  I think because of our failed IVF we're more open to look at other options.  Maybe we needed to go through that to help us look down different avenues. 

Like I said we're at a crossroads...no idea how all of this will play out, but we'll keep doing our research.