I know its been a while...

but I felt like nothing had changed and having or keeping up on my infertility blog was depressing!  Sorry! 

We planned our vacation...in September we're going on a cruise!  I am so excited!!!  And really shocked how cheaply you can do a cruise!  We're going to Catalina Island and Ensenada, Mexico.  We're not doing anything (baby wise) until after our cruise.  Its been good for us to be a bit carefree lately.  Baby making is stressful and the time off is nice. 

But it also gets me thinking...in September we'll have been married for 6 years and trying for 5!  UGH!  Will this waiting period ever end???

Vacation?

So...I my thoughts have been of planning a vacation.  A real vacation.  A vacation where DH and I go alone and we have some fun. 

..but I'm feeling a bit guilty for it.

For years all we've done is save our money.  We used our savings and got a failed IVF.  Now without much savings, we should be responsible, especially in this economy, and continue to save.  But I can't stop thinking of a vacation.  I'm ready to do something fun! 

Am I alone in this...do any of you feel guilty for doing something for 'you' instead of everything you can to have a baby?

Mother's Day

I hate that there is a day to honor something I'm not and want to be so badly!  I had a headache all day because I was fighting back the tears all day.  I had a few melt downs and got really sad.  I just kept thinking that I should be enjoying this day.  I should be a month a way from my due date.  I should be anticipating my baby's arrival.  Instead I'm dreading this holiday AGAIN.  It was tough.   

I can't end this post on a negative note.  I had my loving husband next to me holding me while I cried and I know he'll continually be there for me.  We're in this together and that is comforting.


How did you survive Mother's Day?

THANK YOU!!

I just want to say Thank You to all my blogger friends.  I have been a bit down the past couple days.  There isn't anything going on to make me feel this way, just kind of in a funk.  Reading your comments have really lifted my spirits.  Its so nice to know there is a caring community of women who know how I am feeling and are compassionate to me! 

My Other Blog

After much thought, I decided to put my "what if" post on my other blog.  My other blog is for my family and friends.  Its just a little blog to show pictures of things that we're up to. 

I put my "what if" post on there and only got two comments.  Both of those comments are from women who have gone through some sort of infertility issue.  It just makes me think that people get so awkward around infertility.  Its a subject that makes people uncomfortable.  It might be because I'm more of an open person, but I don't get it.  Going through the things I have has really made me realize that just acknowledging someone and what they are going through is so much better than ignoring.  It makes me realize how important National Infertility Awareness Week is!

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't put that post up because I wanted sympathy, its just that I know people have read it and said nothing. 

Have any of you noticed the same sort of issue?

My Best Friend...

I got married 4 years before my best friend.  I know it was hard for her losing me to my husband because she wanted the same thing.  We continued our strong friendship and I always made sure she never felt like the third wheel and was still very involved in my life. 
She got married a year and a half ago...and got pregnant at what seemed like the exact time she wanted to.  She was so good to me during her pregnancy, having me be involved without being overbearing.  I love her for that.  I know its a thin line, but she handled it all so well. 
She had her baby last Thursday.  When I found out I sobbed and sobbed.  I couldn't tell if I was sobbing because of I was so immensely jealous or if I was truly happy for her.  I think it was a bit of both. 
I went to see them on Saturday and just kept praying I could keep my cool while there.  I did not want to cry while holding her baby.  I didn't want to take away from their happiness.  I met the little guy and he was so adorable and so precious and I just fell completely in love with him. 
I'm not going to lie, on my drive home, I was jealous and thinking when is it my turn, but I am working on just being happy for my friend and her new little family and grateful to be apart of his life.

Project IF (part 2): What if I can’t ever become a mother?

The thought of not becoming a mother is my worst fear. I am living my life in fear. I can’t move on because that fear is apart of everything I do.

This fear began when we first found out that we were a couple who would struggle with infertility. The fear grew with each test, each doctor's visit, each procedure we tried and the fear just about got the best of me when our IVF was unsuccessful.

I am reminded of this fear at work, at the grocery store, at church and even at family functions. It’s changed how I see the world. I am no longer the happy go lucky girl that I used to be. I try to be, but this has forever changed me.

I fear I won't keep strong relationships with my friends because we don't have kids in common. I fear that relationships will change with family members because we can't bring them the joy of adding children to our family. I fear that just being me won't be enough in some relationships. I fear I'll be left out of so much joy and happiness because I won't be able to have a child of my own.

But what if I use this fear to help me be courageous in this fight against infertility?
What if I use this fear to rise above and find joy in other aspects of my life?
What if I use this fear to help others, because I know the pain they are feeling?
What if I use this fear to become an advocate for infertility awareness?
What if I can change this fear into hope?

For more information about infertility, please visit www.resolve.org/infertility101. To learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), go to www.resolve.org/takecharge. And to see how "Project IF" started, check out www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if.

Crossroads

DH and I are at a crossroads.  We're not exactly sure which way to go, so we're going to do research on all avenues and go from there.  Our choices:

Another round of IVF
Adoption
Fost/Adopt

The last one has really been on my mind lately.  The other night I was talking to a friend who has 3 beautiful children and is going to fost/adopt 2 children of her husband's drug addict cousin.  Right now they are going through the steps to become foster parents to these little kids.  I was so inspired talking to her. 

One thing I keep asking is...why?  Why are we going through this?  I think because of our failed IVF we're more open to look at other options.  Maybe we needed to go through that to help us look down different avenues. 

Like I said we're at a crossroads...no idea how all of this will play out, but we'll keep doing our research.

All Day Long...

I work in a small office. My coworker is pregnant and my other coworker is newly married and I’m pretty sure wants to be pregnant. Their desks are by each other. So, ALL they talk about is pregnancy. I get to overhear the daily health update, how much she's eating, how hot she is, how badly she's sleeping, how different this pregnancy is from her last. (all day long) It’s so hard to hear!!


Some days I can void it out, but other days like today when she's telling her birth story for the millionth time, I just can't take it.

I have my Pandora radio on...with headphones in! I just hope I don't get any phone calls so I can stay in my little bubble.

Welcome ICLWers!

For those new to ICLW, it stands for International Comment Leaving Week. It's a week dedicated to honoring and encouraging commenting on fellow bloggers' blogs. It's a great time to find new blogs and make new friends. If you are not already part of ICLW, make sure to contact Mel to be included in future ICLWs.

For those visiting here for the first time, welcome!

This blog was created as an outlet for me to express my fears, heartbreak and joy. We’ve been through 2 failed IUIs and one unsuccessful IVF. You can read more about our story here. We are kind of limbo right now deciding what our next step is.

So stick around and see how it all plays out. I'd love to hear from you and read about your story too. Have a great week commenting!

Weekend Recap

This weekend we went to visit my grandparents. We had such a wonderful visit. {And I know I may be biased, but I have the best grandparents, ever!} It had gone a full day without talking about my brother's upcoming baby and truthfully I thought it might go the whole weekend. BUT it came up...and not only did it come up...I had to leave the table crying. (oh my!) But I'm so glad it did because I was able to talk and cry it out with my grandparents. I was able to tell them my fears and how upset I am and they listened but even better, they gave me such great advice. I know I have them on my team even when I’m feeling alone (with DH) in this mess.


Also this weekend, DH and I decided we are ready to make an appointment with the adoption agency. I'm ready to start doing something. He's been ready for months; I've been the one holding back. I think starting the adoption process will be good. I am so ready for a baby, but fearful of the heartbreak.

Mother's Day

I told my mom yesterday that I couldn't spend Mother's Day with her.  I was nervous to have to tell her, but she took it pretty well and was very understanding.  There is just no possible way I could be there to celelbrate her and my pregnant sister in law.  It would be way too painful! 
Mother's Day has always been tough in the past, but being able to celebrate my mom has taken my mind off of it.  Its made the day not about my lack of being a mother, but celebrating what a wonderful mother I have.  But with my pregnant sister in law living there and me already being bitter about her being pregnant, its just way too much! 
I don't know what we'll do on Mother's Day, but I'm thinking it sounds good to stay at home and eat ice cream.  {and maybe pizza}

*edit* I guess just as an fyi...my mom and I will be doing a mother/daughter day.  Just not on Mother's Day. 

When Things Go Wrong...

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint on the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar...
So, stick to the fight when your hardest hit
Its when things go wrong that you mustn't quit!

Oh, how I love this poem!!  I don't think the author was talking about infertility, but I'm relating it to it!  Sometimes I do feel as things are all uphill.  But I have to stay positive and not quit.  Its easier said than done and there are some days that are easier to remain positive, but that's my goal!

Hope you all are having a wonderful Wednesday! :)

Easter

Holidays are hard for me.  Especially holidays that are kid friendly.  We had a wonderful Easter, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but feel the longing to color Easter eggs, have Easter egg hunts, have the Easter bunny visit our house and teach my children the beautiful story of the Resurection.  Celebrating with my husband is fun and I'm so grateful we have eachother (and our families) but its not quite the same as doing it with a child, my child. 
I hope all of these holidays of wanting to do all of these things will only make it that much more enjoyable our time comes.

Emotionally Ready

We're on a break of the baby making business.  We have been since our unsuccessful IVF cycle.  We're not meeting with our doctor.  We're not taking any medicine.  

I'm not ready to start the process again.  We're taking time off.  As much as I'm ready to be pregnant and have a baby, I'm not emotionally ready to start the process again.  Any advice on how to get emotionally ready?  Does it just come or will we need to just bite the bullet and try again? 

I Smile

I smile even when things aren’t going well.
I smile because I think people would rather see me smile than see a frown.
I smile because it’s easier to say I’m good, than how I’m really feeling.

Yesterday I had a talk with my mother in law. (whom I just love) We started talking about different things and she asked me how I was doing, really doing. I was honest with her and told her, its tough and I’m struggling. I told her I put a smile on and am going through life trying very hard to be happy for everyone.

Then she asked me if it were genuine. At first, I told her it wasn’t. Then I started thinking about it…I guess I’m genuine depending on the day.  Some days I truly am happy for ALL of my friends who are pregnant or have babies. And other times I’m bitter that ALL my friends are pregnant or have new babies. 

I wish everyday I was genuinely happy...

I made someone cry today.

And I don't feel bad for it. She is newly pregnant. She did IVF for her first baby and now is pregnant without IVF. She is ecstatic. At least she was when she told us she was pregnant. But then today, she was complaining to me about how ill she felt and how she dreaded gaining weight, etc and I listened for a little bit...then I reminded her that there are many people who want what she has. And she needs to remember how much she wants this and how lucky she is it happened "on its own" and that it will all be worth it. I told her I'd be happy for her, but I wouldn't feel sorry for her.


Even as I replay it in my mind...I still don't feel bad. Is that bad??

If you want to get pregnant...

hang out with me!  EVERYONE I know is pregnant!!!! I swear, I don't say that lightly.  People who have been trying for a long time are finally pregnant.  People who weren't trying, are pregnant.  People who say they were using birth control, are pregnant.

Make me think...when is it my time???  Seriously??

Bitter, Party of One

As you read in another post, I had issues with my sis in law. She was very emotional while pregnant and didn’t offer her support after we didn’t have a successful IVF. It made me bitter!! We had always been pretty close and it hurt my feelings I didn't get her sympathy or concern when I needed it most.


Fastforward to this past weekend. We went to visit her family and meet our new nephew. They live many states away so its not something that happens very often. I had been dreading this trip. I was nervous to meet my new nephew and I was nervous to see her. I had been upset with her for months without her knowing. We arrive and I meet my new nephew and things were fine. It was late, so we did our small talk and headed to bed. I was grateful to go to my own room...I needed it all to sink in.

The next morning, my father in law was holding the new baby...he needed to do something and handed the baby to me. I really didn't want to hold him, but couldn't say no...so I held him and all my fears went a way...I instantly feel in love with that little guy. I had been dreading it so much because I was jealous, very jealous…I want one of my very own!!!

Then later while talking with my sis in law...I told her how I was feeling. I hadn’t planned on it, but it just started spewing out.  Then she told me her reasons for giving me space. We worked it out and I feel much better not being so bitter. I hate that feeling. Unfortunately, I've been fighting that feeling a lot lately.

How do you keep from being bitter??

I'm really trying to work on this!

My Take On Infertility Blogs

While we were going through IVF I couldn't look at infertility blogs. It was scary for me to see how many times people had tried IVF and failed. I just couldn't read about the failures.


My mind has now changed. It’s very comforting to read about other people going through the journey of infertility. Its a nice way to get advice, vent, rant and maybe even share happiness.

Before we went through IVF, I was so scared of a failure. I really didn't think I'd be able to go on without being pregnant. When we found out we had a miscarriage, our whole future changed. Our plans changed...our life changed. Its hard to wait for something you want so badly and its such a natural thing to want.

Before IVF I was soooo hopeful! I love that feeling of hope!!
I've had a tough time of being hopeful. My hope is hanging by a thread, but its there. Its what I’m relying on to become a mother someday. But let me tell you…some days are easier than others.

Worst Valentines Day

EVER!!
I found out the day before Valentine's Day that my brother and his girlfriend are pregnant. I am MAD! I'm not really mad at them, but I don't know who to place the blame on.
I'm mad that they aren't married, weren't trying to get pregnant, yet get what I want most.
I'm mad I can't have a baby!
I'm mad my mom and dad will be grandparents for the first time and its not my baby!
I'm mad that my brother's girlfriend is going to live with my parents while my brother goes to Iraq.
I'm mad because I really do like my brother's girlfriend. This might be easier to be so mad if she wasn't so nice.

Christmas Morning

Christmas Morning was tough. I woke up happy...we had a great Christmas Eve and then went to bed way too late. So maybe instead of waking up happy I woke up tired. My husband and I were sitting in bed talking...really about nothing and then the text message pictures started coming from my sister in law showing our nephew enjoying Christmas morning. Then I got sad...
We started talking about my sis in law who is pregnant and has had a bad pregnancy. She's been an emotional wreck and I haven't been too compassionate about it. (bad I know) My husband talked to her for a while on Christmas Eve. I guess she told him (then Christmas Morning he told me) that she doesn't know how she's going to be able to handle having two kids...blah blah blah. then I got really upset...its SO unfair!! And how dare she say that to my husband when we don't have ANY kids. I won't ever be able to escape those types of comments. But its even tougher coming from family who should know what you are going through.
I hope one day to have a Christmas morning filled with my kids opening presents from Santa. Seeing the joy on their faces! Hopefully one day...

Grief

After the failed IVF, I went to the doctor to talk to him about depression. I had days of non stop bawling.  Its not a good thing, especially at work.  I knew I was in a really bad place. After talking to him, he made me realize that talking about it is a good thing and that I'm not depressed, I'm grieving. He said that the grief process can last for 6-8 months.
Really, I'm just trying to move on with my life. Its tough because I want a baby more than anything, but we can't do anything about it right now. We can't afford to do IVF right now. Its hard when that's really all I want!
So for now I'm going to work on me...

Our Story

We have been trying to have a baby for over 4 years. When we were dating, we talked about when we’d want to have babies. I was ready to have a baby the day we were married, but knowing my husband wasn’t ready we decided to use birth control. We did for about a year and while I knew that my hubby wasn’t quite ready I figured it would come and he’d fall in love with our little bundle of joy. Each month I would pray and hope and think I was pregnant, but with out fail it didn’t happen.
We had been trying for a couple years and I went to our family doctor for a cold or something minor. While I was there I told him about our difficulties trying to conceive. The doctor wanted my husband to get tested first because it’s easier to test a man. We found our problem on the first test. We were then referred to an Urologist who examined my poor husband and there was no visible damage, they just said that it was in his DNA. We were told Invitro Fertilization, a sperm donor or adoption were our only options.
I remained calm while in the doctor’s office and right when we left the office I started sobbing. It didn’t stop the whole way home. We had each drove separately (since we were both coming from work). But when we both got home we just held each other on our couch and cried. It was a VERY upsetting night for both of us.
We took a couple months off before making an appointment to see the fertility doctor. When we did meet with our doctor, he wanted me to go through testing and for my husband to be tested again. We had to wait 3 months before the sperm could be tested again because of the life span of sperm. During those three months I got all my testing done…various blood tests done at different times of my cycle, testing my fallopian tubes, all of which came back normal.
The sperm was tested again and it had the same results. The doctor told us we could try out Artificial Insemination. We were very grateful for this option because it was $750 compared to $15,000 for Invitro.
During our first round of Artificial Insemination I started taking my Clomid and had NO side effects. I had heard horror stories and was very grateful that it was so smooth. The day of my ovulation, I started spotting. I hadn’t ever spotted while ovulating before and I was alarmed. I called the doctor’s office and told them I was spotting and the nurse told me it could be a side effect of the Clomid. We went ahead with the Artificial Insemination. Then we waited the DREADED 2 weeks for my period or if we were lucky a pregnancy test. We were in Pinetop, AZ with my extended family for vacation when I got my period. I was crushed!  Another night we held each other and cried.
We waited a month and started our next round of AI. I started taking the Clomid and got a terrible hot flash that lasted a few minutes. Nothing I couldn’t handle. Then, I got really mad at Howard over something STUPID. I don’t even remember what the fight was about, but halfway through my yelling fit I realized I was being unreasonable and started laughing.  I was feeling some side effects of the clomid.
I felt great about it, this was our month…
Everything was going so well, no spotting and it just seemed so smooth!! Now the dreaded 2 weeks. We were in Laughlin, NV for a company trip for my husband's work...I started my period.
We decided not to try Artificial the third time. It is very stressful (what part of infertility isn’t stressful??!!) We had been paying for everything with cash because my insurance didn’t cover anything to do with infertility. I called up the doctor’s office to schedule an appointment to meet with the doctor. We talked all about IVF and then met with the IVF coordinator. It was TOTAL OVERLOAD of information, but we both felt great about it.
One day at work I was looking at some blogs of women who have done IVF 4 or 5 times. I felt ill…with how much money we are paying, I kept thinking… THIS HAS TO WORK! On the way home from work, I started sobbing, I was stressing about the monetary value of it all and it was really getting to me. I called my husband. He told me that we’d be in the same situation we are in now, except we wouldn’t have money. Oh it was so nice to hear that.  Through our trials of infertility we have become so close and have such a deeper love for each other. When I got home and we knelt down and prayed asking for feeling of peace if what we were doing is right. Immediately I felt peace. I am so blessed to have a loving Heavenly Father. I have such a huge testimony about the power of personal prayer.

We went to the doctor yesterday to get blood work, measurements of my uterus and a class on how to give the shots. We got our blood work done, no big deal. Then they took me in for my ultrasound, I thought no big deal. He first did a swab, not bad, and then wanted to do measurements of my uterus, not bad…then he checked my ovaries, found the first one, not bad…then OH MY GOODNESS as he looked for or at the other one, it hurt SO bad!! I don’t know why it hurt, maybe because he was trying to find it, but there was definitely pain! The doctor said everything looks good though. My uterus is in a good place and the transfer should be easy. (yeah!!)
After about a week of doing my injections I only had 7-8. They were expecting more like 15-20...so that was discouraging. I went back 2 days later and I hadn't grown anymore, so to keep on taking the meds and trying to get more wasn't an option. At that time, the doctor said we can quit and try again in another cycle, but we could have the same issue of me not producing a lot of follicles.  It was very upsetting, and a very tough decision, we'd already used $1000 of meds and we'd have to buy those again, and we may just get the same results. Not that this is all about money, but it's definatly a factor!  The doctor recommended that we go ahead with things. We felt good about and continued on.

I continued going to the doctor until they said I was ready and then did my trigger shot. On Friday, September 25th, we had our egg retrieval. I was pretty nervous about it, but everyone is so nice and I was put under pretty quickly, so I didn't have a chance to be too nervous. Things didn’t go as smoothly as we would have wanted...they only got 3 eggs. Needless to say we were VERY disappointed and I was VERY emotional. I tried to keep my cool at the doctor's office, but that didn't work out very well. They called me later that afternoon and told me they only had three good eggs and had fertilized them. Then on Saturday I got another call telling me that 2 fertilized normally, but the 3rd didn't. I seriously haven't prayed so much in one weekend. I just prayed my heart out for those two little embryos. It was quite the stressful weekend.
Then we got a call Sunday morning from the doctor and we STILL had 2 embryos!  We were pretty excited and relieved! They are both graded B one has divided 4 times and the other 3.

Monday (9/28/09) we went in to have the embryos implanted. When we got there we were shown a picture of our embryos and they were now graded a B and a C, one hadn't developed as much as they wanted, but we still have an average (C) and a slightly above average (B) embryo.

After we went in for the implantation, I had to be on bed rest for 3 days. Which sounds like a lot more fun that it was. Weirdly enough my back was hurting from laying down so much! haha

If I thought that the 2 weeks were terrible with doing Aritficial Insemination...it doesn't even compare to the stress of the waiting for the news of IVF.  Its so hard to wait to find out if your dreams are coming true. 

I guess long story short...I didn't get a baby out of the whole ordeal. I had a miscarriage. I got a call on telling me that my test came back positive, but that my HCG levels were very low. Which could mean a miscarriage or it could just mean my levels are low. I was devastated. I knew then that I wasn't really pregnant and left work and cried all night. It was such a dark and terrible night. 
My husband came home from work about 8:30 that night from work and was just so positive. He just knew I was still pregnant, which helped because I was down in the dumps.
Two days later I went back for another blood test to see if my levels double. My husband and I spent the day together trying hard not to think about our fate.  We watched movies and fixed lunch and about 1:30pm, I got the call...the results were negative.
The biggest thing I keep asking is why? Why did this not work? We had so many people on our side praying for us that this would work. Why did we have such a peaceful feeling to go forward with IVF when I wasn't producing eggs and things didn't seem to be working out. Why? Why? Why??
I don't know how or when or if we'll get a baby, but life goes on and we just have to keep living and keeping the hope alive.